We’d be celebrating you today
You’d be loved on for sure
The number? I’m not even sure if we’d keep on celebrating as if you were born in 49 when I figured out you were born in 48 that one time we were back in Korea together…
That makes you 73 today, mommy
Wow
What a full life you’ve had
You got to make some dreams come true, too
I regret not helping you see the world more
Never learned to cook so I could feed you the way you fed my soul
Paul thinks no one else understands or remembers
How special and funny and intelligent you were
I think he grossly underestimated the literal magic that dripped off of your fingers
It soaked each of your words
In English and Korean
You could make anyone laugh
It was like performance art
Your voice
I can’t believe I never recorded it
It’s a crime that the entire world didn’t hear you sing
You felt deeply. This was good and bad
If only I could share what I know now
About how our bodies remember trauma
That it’s not always a slight against us when people do things
Your heart was so pure and so strong
The ambition and determination which led you to work 12 hour days at least 6 days a week for as long as I can remember
That’s what killed you
The cancer didn’t help. That invasive bitch
You had just retired
Then you were bored
Then you got a fun job
Then your nipple changed color and inverted and I happened to be home to see you get dressed. You said it was okay
You heard God’s voice tell you it’s okay
I took you to the doctor anyway and made them see you that day
It wasn’t too long after that. What an honor and a privilege and the hardest thing I ever did
When I dropped my life plans to help you through it
Caitlin guided me through the admin
Her, too, with her2
She passed some years after you
She was my age
Mommy, you’re 73 today. I’m 37. We’d probably have a good laugh about that.
I tried to tell my Pilates instructor how funny you were but it didn’t translate well at all when I told her about my ripped jeans and how you said 보지털 철음 생겼어
In English it made her say, “ew” and scrunch her pretty face
In Korean, it made me double over laughing while walking into the commissary on Ft. Dix
I wish you were here. I’ll get some incense and prepare better for next year. And make some 미역국 and have a snickers bar or two for you.
Happy birthday, 엄마
I think about you every day and know you’re with me. I miss you
A very old, blurry photo from a wedding probably in 2009?